“Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.” Amen.
Grief, pain and endurance of this illness, in and of itself, has not and will not make me a better person. I am not destined to go through this so that I can help other people, this path is not divinely ordained.
I am indeed weary of these platitudes, sometimes expressed by well meaning loved ones and sometimes flippantly thrown at me by spiritually enlightened strangers.
These last two weeks have had me in emotional turmoil. I am grieving my loss of freedom. I am lamenting two years of horrific pain and trauma living in my own skin. I am devastated by the reality that despite all of my efforts I am confronted with more of the same. I have spent sleepless nights begging for the opportunity to live again – to move, work and play with ease and lightheartedness. I have spent exhausted days wanting to die.
Will I grow as a person from this experience? Maybe, maybe not. If anything I feel intensely jealous, more selfish, less grateful, more anxious, less empathetic to triviality. I am fairly sure that once physically healed I have extensive work to do just to return to the semblance of the functioning person I was before.
I am grateful for the wonderful, loving people in my life but I am not grateful for this experience. This journey – it is what it is, but it is not meant to be.