Everything does not happen for a reason

“Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.” Amen.

Grief, pain and endurance of this illness, in and of itself, has not and will not make me a better person. I am not destined to go through this so that I can help other people, this path is not divinely ordained.

I am indeed weary of these platitudes, sometimes expressed by well meaning loved ones and sometimes flippantly thrown at me by spiritually enlightened strangers.

These last two weeks have had me in emotional turmoil. I am grieving my loss of freedom. I am lamenting two years of horrific pain and trauma living in my own skin. I am devastated by the reality that despite all of my efforts I am confronted with more of the same. I have spent sleepless nights begging for the opportunity to live again – to move, work and play with ease and lightheartedness. I have spent exhausted days wanting to die.

Will I grow as a person from this experience? Maybe, maybe not. If anything I feel intensely jealous, more selfish, less grateful, more anxious, less empathetic to triviality. I am fairly sure that once physically healed I have extensive work to do just to return to the semblance of the functioning person I was before.

I am grateful for the wonderful, loving people in my life but I am not grateful for this experience. This journey – it is what it is, but it is not meant to be.

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5 thoughts on “Everything does not happen for a reason

  1. Hey Ruby. That sucks! TSW is such a bitch. I dread this happening to me as well, I’ve been functional for the past 10 months or so, but still nervous! Have you seen my post on the forum about inhaled steroids for asthma? I’m not sure it applies to you but it is worth a read (short version: my twin sister got TSW just from her inhaler alone so its good to go off these if you can by seeing a doctor). Best of luck, I hope it gets better sooner rather than later!

  2. Hey! Yes I did see that post, but I haven’t ever used inhaled steroids, only ventolin in the past. I have exercise induced asthma but only when I eat dairy so nowadays i don’t really get it!

    • Fair enough. I’m glad you saw the post. So horrible that this has happened. Are you coping better now? If you like feel free to add me on Facebook (if you are a FB user) – it would be nice to keep in closer contact with Aussie TSWers. Your post reads so true to me. I kept thinking very similar things when my TSW was really bad… sounds like you are traumatized by the experience? I ended up going to my psychologist to do treatment around trauma. She believes in TSW. If you FB or email me I could send you her details and you could get in touch with her.

      • I am traumatised by the experience and I am really struggling these last two weeks. I am about to go on some immunosuppressants I think, to help. I’m in the Australia group on FB I’ll pm you.

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